19 May 2015

Having to Say "No"

A few days after our first Bonus Kiddo went home we headed down to San Diego for a few days. It was a good distraction and a time to refocus and recenter. During our team meeting we had received permission from Bonus Kiddo's parents to bring him with us to San Diego if he were still in our care and if the trial home placement weren't ordered. It would've been fun to bring him along but to be honest it felt REALLY good to sleep through the night, especially in a hotel room with blackout curtains. :) We went to the zoo and the beach and spent plenty of time in the hotel pool. It was a perfect, relaxing time for our little family.

Because our home was once again open that meant I started keeping my phone volume turned up 24 hours a day. We were once again ready to receive a crisis placement anytime of the day or night. Then one morning my phone rang. It was our RFC (our family worker). I hurried to the bathroom of our hotel room so I wouldn't wake anyone. Because of the blackout curtains (bless their existence) I had no idea what time of the night (or day) it was. I tried to clear my throat so it didn't sound like the call woke me up.

She immediately started talking to me about a little girl needing a home. We talked for a bit before I finally asked her what time it was, it was 8ish there, 7 something where we were.

We talked about this little girl, what she'd been through, why she needed a home, and that my name was the one that kept coming back to our RFC's mind. This girl and I had been through remarkably similar situations. Her behaviors (a result of her situation) were identical to so much of what I had done at her age. I understood this girl and wanted to be her safe place, her shelter and her protector. There was one glaring problem in my mind though, we simply didn't have the room in our home.

When we were going through the licensing process we almost weren't even able to complete it because of the bedroom space in our home. For us its cozy and fine, but there are regulations in place to prevent foster homes from packing kids in to the rafters. I understand the need for the regulations but it's still disappointing. We were only approved to take one child at a time, and only age 2 and under who would be kept in a crib in our bedroom. There was simply nowhere for this girl in our home. Even if we moved Aurelia into our bedroom (sleeping on the floor or in our bed since there isn't room for a twin), her room isn't big enough to be approved for one foster child to stay in.

I let her know I wanted to help in any way I could whether that was giving respite for her foster parents or just spending time with her each week, but that I didn't see how we could take her in. I told her I'd talk to Daniel about it when everyone was up and I'd call her back later that day. 

When Daniel and I talked about it we knew we weren't the right place for her. I hated it. The Mama Bear in me wanted to be there for this girl, to be everything I could for her. I knew though, I knew we weren't the best place for her.

I called our RFC back. By this time she had more information about this little girl and her situation. This information made it clear to all of us that we really wouldn't be the best situation for her and what she needed. I still offered my help and told her to let me know if there was anything at all that I could do to help this little girl.

Later our RFC let me know about the home she went to. It was perfection. It was exactly what she needed and she was thriving there. I still think about this little girl and wonder how she's doing. I hope she's doing well, healing and feeling safe and loved.

This situation started Daniel and I looking for a new home. Our home is fine for our family but we want to help other kids. We want to be able to say, "yes!"

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