The purpose of our blog has always been threefold...
1) To help people understand situations they haven't been in personally. Initially it was all about helping people understand the heartache of infertility and pregnancy loss. Then it transitioned to showing the less known ups and downs of adoption, showing how crazy the phrase "you can always just adopt" really is. Adoption is not a simple, easy, "one size fits all" answer to infertility.
2) Help those in the same situations feel less alone. So many times I've been comforted reading someone else's blog and thinking "Yes! THIS is what I've been feeling!" It's comforting not only to know you aren't alone, but to have someone verbalize feelings you may not yet fully understand. This has been one of the proudest accomplishments of our blog. I love the messages I receive letting me know how my writing has helped in some way.
3) Catharsis. In the 2 1/2 years since making our blog public this has usually been one of the less important purposes of the blog. While it's been a relief to explain the complicated emotions of our family's journey, each cathartic post has carried the hope that someone else would gain just as much relief from reading my writing as I was from getting it out there. Lately though, this is what I need most from our blog. I need to get the rest of our story out for my own benefit, my own relief, my own catharsis. Right now, for at least three specific posts, I want to share more of what happened earlier this year and what has been happening since.
So why the privacy? It's no secret that a few individuals connected to Noah's last family have been harassing Daniel and I ever since his passing. It makes no sense. I've been attempting to soften and dilute every post about Noah in an effort to not offend or provoke these few people, even to the point of completely leaving out large parts of the story. "Don't let a few irrational people ruin it for everyone," I told myself. However, it reached a new level of insanity when posts even as inconsequential as trying a new tomato soup recipe drew spiteful messages.
I haven't felt free to write candidly and in the beginning I was okay walking on eggshells and hiding much of what happened. As things have progressed though the censorship has been stifling. In order to write about and have people understand what has been going on more recently (PTSD, healing, adoption updates), there are parts of our story that have to be shared and understood. Talking about the PTSD won't fully make sense without two more parts of our story with Noah.
We have quite a few regular blog readers, not a ton, but enough that I do feel the weight of cutting off most of those people, not knowing how many have been relying on my writing for more than just entertainment. Right now though, my writing can't be of help to anyone while i feel unable to write anything at all. In order for me to get back to writing and have the catharsis I want I need to control who has access to my writing and who can respond to my posts.
So there it is. I hope to be back to writing in full force very soon. :-)