02 April 2014

Life isn't fair

Life isn't fair. I know life isn't fair, and I don't expect it to be. Lately though I've been wanting to cry and angrily yell at the universe that one thing in life is completely, unacceptably unfair. Kids should not be so acquainted with loss, with grief and with a loved one gone too soon. It's. not. fair. 

It's not fair that she knows people can just die, long before natural causes take them in old age. Kids shouldn't have to know that. Kids should get to be oblivious to early death. Kids should get to carry on with their magical, imaginative lives, thinking everyone they love will always be there with them.

It's not fair, it's not right. Kids shouldn't have a reason to beg and plead for their favorite person to come back to life. Kids shouldn't have to struggle to understand why they won't see the person they love. Kids shouldn't have to be faced with all of this. Kids should be playing, trusting, loving and enjoying life. They shouldn't hurt and suffer and struggle through loss like this.

It's not fair for a little three year old to be feeling and dealing with everything she's had to go through. She shouldn't have to be facing all the anger and hurt that's changed her sweet personality. It's not fair that I can't protect her from all of this. It's not fair that her trusting, happy view of life and adults has been scarred.

Watching and trying to help a child grieve while grieving ourselves has been excruciating. There is so much more pain and loss to this than simply the death of her brother. The few weeks Noah lived after leaving our family were full of devastation and heartbreak that we couldn't have prepared for and that will take a long time to heal from.

Child grief manifests in some of the same ways as adults (none of us have really been able to sleep well) but in many more ways it's so different. It's so hard watching her act out her new understanding of how she sees the world what she's experienced. It's so hard answering her painful questions as she struggles to make sense of all the hurt.

It's not fair, it's not right, it's not fair! Why should she have to know such heartache?! Why should she have to know loss like this?? I hate that I can't take it all away from her. I hate that I can't protect her from it. I hate that I can't carry it for her. I hate having to explain it to her and try to help her through all of this while I'm barely, and a lot of times not even, keeping it together myself. How am I supposed to help her through all of this when I'm barely making it myself?? It's not fair, and at least for kids and with death, it should be.

1 comment:

  1. Watching my kids grieve has been the hardest part of becoming a widow. The pain of losing someone close is unbearable! The pain of watching your child lose that person is worse! All you can do is try to be healthy and show them how to grieve healthy... and trust that they (like you) will get through it. They too will grow and change from it, and it will be for their good...even though you can't imagine what possible good could come from it. You and she will come through this changed, and there will be good to come of it for her, just believe that, hope for that and it helps, not much but it does help