21 March 2014

Noah's Passing

Sweet little Noah passed away on March 9th at 7 months old, five weeks after leaving our family. We are heartbroken and devastated but we have complete faith that all who love him, including our family and his sweet birth family, will get to see and be with him again someday. We have felt him near our family and know we will all get to be with him again.

7 weeks old

He blessed our family in so many ways and we're thankful for the 5 months we had as his parents. He was such an incredibly miraculous little boy with such a joyful, social personality. We loved celebrating all his beautiful progress, and experiencing the joy of him reaching milestones along the way. I love remembering the first time he opened his hands on his own, the first time he reached for his toys, the way he used to kind of giggle and rub his favorite toys on his face :) His laugh was so funny, it was more like hyperventilating with some squeals and a giant grin mixed in :)

That smiley face sunflower rattle was one of his favorites.
We used to hang toys in his baby gym until he grew strong enough to hold them on his own.

I'm thankful I was able to provide him with breast milk (weird I know, but I am). Our last milestone triumph was seeing him learn to roll from his back to his side in January. He rolled, Aurelia and I freaked out and clapped for him, then moved him back and watched as he rolled over and over and over again, laughing at our reaction :) The thing that motivated his role was looking over to see his sister :) I'll get around to posting the video eventually.

He loved sitting in the corner of the couch, propped up with blankets.
He loved being able to watch us move around the room :)

We visited his grave the day after his funeral and I kept thinking, "he's not supposed to be in there. He's not supposed to be buried, he's supposed to be with his new family, laughing and playing. He's not supposed to be in there. He is not supposed to be in there!" We do have peace though that he is okay now. Now we know where he is, we know he is well. He is a sweet little angel baby, surrounded by crazy amounts of family on the other side :) 

3 months

He was the most joyful and social little boy we've ever known. He lit up anytime someone came in the room. He couldn't stand to ever be alone and if anyone walked out of the room he would turn to watch them and then fuss until someone came back :)

Peek-a-boo was a favorite game

He passed away in the same PICU I had helped move him from on Christmas day, in a room right across from his last, a place I had hoped to never see again. As we held him before he passed I held his beautiful, relaxed hands and remembered all the hours we spent massaging and stretching the contractures, helping him to be able to experience grabbing onto his toys. He passed away in the arms of his last parents after life support was stopped.

One of the reasons his birth mom chose our family was so he could have Aurelia as a big sister. She was insistent that the family he went to should have an older sibling. He was his sister's whole world. Aurelia has missed her brother so horribly, and really struggled because of things that happened in the few weeks he lived after leaving our family, but she has found so much peace in his passing. She knows he is in heaven and he has been near her since his passing, to let her know all is well :) They have a strong, unbreakable sibling bond and we look forward to when they're reunited. Someday they will be together again. We're thankful she got to experience having a sibling and that for his short life he had a very best friend in his big sister. We're thankful to his birth mom for giving that to both kids, and for loving and treating Aurelia like a niece.

Every morning Aurelia used to come into our room, climb up the side of his crib (whether he was awake or not) and in her sing-song voice say "GOOD MOOOORRNNIIIIIIINNN'!!!" She helped us do his daily PT and OT, doing his sitting exercises, setting up his feeds, and assisting with diaper changes. He LOVED watching his big sister entertain him :) He loved when she danced and sang for him, especially when Daniel or I would dance around the room with him to whatever song she was making up for him. Aurelia stayed quarantined at home so Noah would never get sick and she didn't even mind because she had her tiny best friend with her.

Christmas time at Primary Children's Hospital

We've been looking through our hours of videos and tons of pictures, feeling so thankful we went overboard documenting his life.

During his short life he had three families who loved him fiercely and will miss him tremendously. He was also so adored by his many, many nurses and doctors, especially all who cared for him, his birth family and our family in the NICU. I'll write more about his miraculous life later but for now I just wanted to share the news of his passing, our heartache and some of the sweet things about the most joyful little boy.


  1. How beautiful! Thanks so much for sharing. I feel overwhelmed and it doesn't even concern me personally. I don't know how you've been so strong through ALL of this. Everything from the failed adoption last year... to becoming Noah's parents... to his health problems... to learning to let go (twice)... I just cannot wrap my head around it all and my heart goes out to you guys. Big hugs!!!

  2. jessica...i am uncontrollably crying!! my heart BREAKS for you and your family! the strength you embody is nothing short of a miracle. this beautiful boy was SO loved and so cared for, i know y'all will be reunited with him again. the pain you are feeling, how i am thankful for the Spirit. to bring peace to us in a very, difficult time.

    i am here if ever you want to write! y'all are in our prayers and fast! we pray for you, love you and are here for you all!

    1. Thank you, Amanda. Thanks for all your love, support and encouragement through everything :)

  3. I'm so sorry to hear this news. It sounds like little Noah touched a lot of hearts.

    Athena (Luke's past family)

    1. Thank you, Athena. He touched SO many hearts :)