05 August 2013

July 9th

This post is from a series I wrote between January and July of this year. You can click HERE to start from the first post of the series.

Baby boy’s due date passed yesterday and we still haven’t packed all of his things away. We put things out of plane view but haven’t been able to go through and pack them away yet. I think I might be ready now but it’s still going to hurt tremendously.

For us this is the loss of a child. Just like our past miscarriages this is the loss of a family member. The loss of a future, of possibility. This is a void where there would have been a person, a child to love. There is heartbreak where there was supposed to be the excitement of being parents.

I frequently have the thought “Oh! I need to go check on the baby!” like he’s just sleeping in his crib in our room. Or “Oh man is it time to nurse yet? I’m ready.” I was fully ready to nurse baby any day, so drying up my milk has made this even more difficult. My milk still lets down if I think about baby too much.

I’m still passing back and forth between heartbreak and anger. It kind of feels like the tide going in and out. The tide is coming in and I progressively get more angry until it's burning through me. The tide slowly goes out and it gives way to the emptiness and heartbreak. He’s gone. He’s not here, he’s not going to be and we have to let go.

1 comment:

  1. Your feelings totally echo mine from our failed adoption. Except... our expectant mother disappeared and never contacted anyone. Due date passed, and NOTHING. We still don't know what happened at all. Thank you for sharing this! It's nice to know I'm not alone in my anger. But really - how in the world does this kind of thing happen?!