05 August 2013

Falling Apart

This post is from a series I wrote between January and July of this year. You can click HERE to start from the first post of the series.

At about 36 weeks everything started to crumble. A couple days earlier I noticed that Alice wasn’t really responding to any of my messages. All I could get out of her were short, one sentence responses. Then, around 36 weeks, she cut off contact completely. Well, I’m not sure I can say “cut-off” since there was no warning, no explanation, just silence. Kind of like when you’re talking to someone on the phone and the call drops on their end. You keep talking to them a while before noticing they’re weirdly quiet, then finally realizing they’re gone and you don’t know how long ago they stopped being there.

With just over three weeks left in the pregnancy, she was gone. We’d been with her in close contact for almost 5 months, 20 weeks of pregnancy, and with no explanation at all, there was quiet. I couldn’t believe it. My friend was gone. It hurt and it hurt badly. What was going on? Why had she shut us out? There was no explanation, just silence.

We met with our caseworker to go over the final paperwork and she asked how things were going. I explained that Alice had been kind of weirdly quiet, but that we thought our last meeting had gone well. Alice hadn’t said anything was wrong or given us any reason to suspect something wasn’t right. She had sent us an email a few days earlier saying everything was great and she was just spending time with her parents. Our caseworker looked concerned and said that some of the things that were happening weren’t normal and were concerning. Our caseworker said it was possible all options were back open. With the little information she gathered from Alice’s caseworker she tried to prepare us for every possible outcome from this point…including her picking another couple.

We had prepared ourselves for the possibility that Alice might choose to parent after the baby was born. I had told her all along that she needed to make the decision for her and baby and not because of us. I had told her that I knew she would be a good mother if it came to that. She constantly reassured us that “no matter what”, this baby was going home with us. We still prepared for the possibility of her choosing to parent after meeting baby boy. This though, wasn’t choosing to parent. This was an all-out all bets are off, throw everything out the window, we have no idea what is going to happen.

Another couple. That suggestion stopped me dead in my tracks. Someone else. After all this time, after the trusting relationship we had built. It felt like we were engaged to marry someone in a few weeks and had just found out they might be looking for a new spouse, someone else to attend the same wedding and get married in our place. How did this happen? IS that what’s happening? Is she considering other couples?? Why hadn't she told us? She still had our profile held so what could possibly be happening? WHAT is happening?! How did we get to this point?? We had no idea and the answers certainly weren’t coming from Alice. All that came from Alice was silence.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness, reading this makes me just moan in agreement because we are dealing with a failed adoption right now too and I was just thinking this morning that it felt like being jilted at the alter.