03 December 2012

"Do you have a baby?"

I took Aurelia to the doctor last week (it was something weird with her eye, she's okay though) and had the following experience in the childrens' waiting/play room...

I was sitting with Aurelia at the little table watching her do puzzles and play with one of those loopy toy things with the wooden beads on them. You know what I'm talking about? There are a couple different wire things and they wind around each other and you move the beads from one side to the other. Anyway, that thing. Not important.

So we were playing and a little girl probably about three years old came in the room with her mom and her 9 month old little sister. We'll call the three year old 'T'. She and Aurelia chatted and carried on playing.

Then another little girl about the same age walked in with her mom and baby brother. T's mom said something like "look she has a baby just like you, T!"

Little T said something like "she has a baby and I have a baby," then turned to Aurelia and said, "do you have a baby?"

My heart sunk a little. Nope. No baby. No little brother, no little sister. Aurelia didn't really understand what was going on or what was being asked so I explained that "no, she doesn't have a little brother or sister yet." I let her know she was a very lucky girl to get to be a big sister. 

And that was it. I didn't have a meltdown. I didn't get into the exam room and breakdown in tears. I didn't grab Aurelia up into my lap, squeeze her tight and sob awkwardly. We carried on playing with puzzles.

Things like that hurt a little less now. Its not that it doesn't hurt at all, its just that the painful times are a little less painful, and the happy times last a little longer.

I'm less sensitive about my infertility and the seeming SUPER-fertility of others.

Its less often that Daniel has to hold me while I cry.

I go a longer amount of time between thinking about our miscarriages.

Pregnancy announcements don't feel like I'm being punched in the heart (at least not every time).

Things are getting better :) It's still hard. I don't think it'll ever be completely easy, but better is good enough for now :)

1 comment:

  1. I never thought it would take as long as it did to feel less hurt after our miscarriage in between Stephen and Charlotte. It's really kind of crazy. And whenever I hear of someone else's loss, all of those feelings come back. I think that just shows how real it is. And it really is important to talk about. It doesn't matter how early the loss happened---it was a loss---and it's part of our journey. I appreciate this post. The more we talk about the hard stuff, the more we find we have in common with the rest of God's children, and the more we can mourn with those than mourn and offer comfort.