25 July 2012

Hard

Some days I am able to laugh and joke about my infertility.

Some days I have infinite optimism that all of this will be for the benefit of our family and I'll be able to look back on it and see the good.

Some days I am able to be over the moon, genuinely and wholeheartedly happy for friends who are pregnant, have newborns or several children.

Then, some days I just need to lay on the couch with my head buried in Daniel's lap and cry hard, loud and uncontrolled, sobbing like a little kid. Monday was one of the latter.

We put Aurelia to bed, I walked to the living room and lost it. I was finally overwhelmed by everything. The closer we get to the due date of the first miscarriage, the more heartbreaking it is to know that baby won't be here. So much of this is out of our control, there isn't a thing we can do to fix it, change it, get around it or move things along. Its frustrating to feel constant failure about something we want so badly and comes so easily to some people. Its frustrating to hear people say such stupid and hurtful things about adoption. Aurelia loves babies and on Monday she found a pacifier and brought it to me saying "baby? baby?" We love being parents and want to have a big family. We want a noisy house full of kiddos running around, but we don't know if that will happen.

I want to show the awful, heartbreaking, sucky side of infertility and miscarriages. Sure, sometimes we are optimistic and handle all of this gracefully. Then sometimes I crash, burn and then try to put together whats left and figure out how to keep going. I keep telling myself eventually it will be over, somehow it will work out.


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