04 April 2012

I Must be, I Must be Not

As I said earlier the "two week wait" can be a frustrating time of emotional ups and downs, googling every weird thing that happens to you and trying desperately to muster all your patience and wait to have a blood test. I'm first writing this on the 4th (and then I'll keep it updated) so I'm sure I've forgotten some of my thinking already, but here is some insight into the back and forth of the "two week wait."

March 25th
- I start downing pineapple like its going out of style. The bromelaine, especially in the core is supposed to help with implantation.

March 27th
- Eat so much pineapple my tongue bleeds. Maybe I should have just a little more for extra implantation help...

March 30th
-  The video in this article made me cry. I must be pregnant.
- I'm grumpy and angry for no reason. I must be pregnant.
- Being grumpy was probably from the progesterone they have me on. I don't think I'm pregnant.
- I start having Daniel calculate the percentage possibility of my being pregnant RIGHT NOW. 40% chance of the IUI being successful. Implantation usually occurs 6-12 days after ovulation. So with that I have him tell me the percentage of possibly being pregnant every day now, sometimes a few times a day. Sometimes to encourage me (don't worry you still have a chance!) and sometimes to discourage me (its very unlikely that you're pregnant yet).

March 31st
- I'm SUPER tired. I must be pregnant.
- I'm not super tired. I must not be pregnant.
- My temperature is 98.2, the same it was for my last two pregnancies. I'm pregnant! (a woman's temp goes up after ovulation and stays up if pregnant, drops a good amount when period is going to start)
- End of day my temperature is 98.6. For sure, I'm not pregnant.

April 1st
- I'm not peeing any more than usual. I must not be pregnant.
- Having crazy dreams and trouble sleeping. I must be pregnant.

April 2nd
- Woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. Pregnant?
- Worried I worked out too hard and now wont be pregnant. I suck.
- I'm unusually hungry. I must be pregnant (it couldn't be from my workout of course).
- I feel kind of crampy. Maybe its the growing room for pregnancy!
- I don't feel crampy anymore. I must not be pregnant.

April 3rd
- Take a break from working out because I'm worried that I'm pregnant and I'll have another miscarriage if I do as much as I did yesterday.
- Random and somewhat awkward symptoms. I'm convinced I am FOR SURE pregnant.
- So convinced I'm pregnant that I take a home pregnancy test, assuming that it will be positive even if its just a false positive from the hCG. Took the test 3 days early and when I had already used the bathroom probably less than an hour before. Dumb, but I'm still disappointed that it was negative. Now sure I'm not pregnant.

April 4th
- Skip morning workout because I'm convinced if I don't workout until after the blood draw my body will let me be pregnant.
- Almost watered plants with milk. Pregnancy brain?
- Having lower back cramping. Worried that I AM pregnant and going to have another miscarriage.
- Cramping gone. Now I think I'm not pregnant...or I'm pregnant but not going to have a miscarriage this time.
- My temperature is 97.8. That's low. My period must be starting tomorrow. Cry, because now I'm sure I'm not pregnant. Maybe it hasn't been long enough since I had a drink and my mouth is still a little cold...
- I should go to the doctor to get a blood test, put me out of my misery. I don't want to get a blood test because then they'll tell me I'm not pregnant. If they don't tell me then it isn't true.
- Cry some more.

April 5th
- Another negative home test. Disappointed. Sad. Irritated. Now to get through today, then tomorrow drive all the way to the fertility center and wait a whole day for them to tell me again that I'm not pregnant.
- I am not pregnant. I am not pregnant. I am not pregnant. Maybe if I keep telling myself that then it will suck less tomorrow to hear confirmation.

April 6th
- If the phone rings before 1:00 then I'm pregnant. If it doesn't then I'm not. Completely irrational but I know I'm not the only one who thinks this. Maybe its because if its positive then all they have to say is "congrats! come back at 6 and 8 weeks for ultrasounds!" and if its negative then they have to say "I'm going to fill a minute with meaningless and somewhat out of place chit chat in an attempt to soften the blow. I'm sorry to tell you the test came back negative. So now we'll reevaluate your treatments and increase your meds. Yes, we know your ovaries felt like baseball size rocks that might implode or fall out of your body, but obviously you're really messed up and need even more help. Alright? Okay call us with your depressing Day 1. Have a great day!" (Really I do feel bad for the fertility center people who have to make these calls and I know they try to make it as non-traumatizing as possible)
- Apparently they do call with bad news before noon. Another failed cycle.

1 comment:

  1. Jess--I love you. You are so refreshingly candid. As always, you guys are in our prayers. And also--could that dog be any more precious??